He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
