i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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