"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
