how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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