I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
