The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
