So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
