Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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