I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i believe in u and ur pee
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
