I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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