We're facebook friends in real life
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
