Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
