Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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