When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
