You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
