I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
