____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we're making bets on your personal life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
