Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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