my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
