I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ok first of all what the fuck
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
