Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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