While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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