I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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