When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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