you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
