hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
