is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
