We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
