Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
