the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Randomize
