I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
