We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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