For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize