Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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