This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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