I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
