i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
