she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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