you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
