I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
