Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
