woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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