checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
