Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
