My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
