Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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