Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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