i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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