hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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