I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
