naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
