The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You pole danced in your parka.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
