my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
