Apparently you make a good broom.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
