I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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