Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
