i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
