Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
