how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
