she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize